What is a Soul Mate?

I have been doi g research on soul mages because its very confusing. I think I have found my. First we can not be mad at each other. We can't walk away from each other. From the moment I meet him it was like I wanted to be with him and I didn't know why. We spent every day together. Unable to move without him. He moved in with me and he had never done that before. We were saying I love you its weird honest. He tells me everything and I tell him everything. I try to walk away and I can't maily because a love like this is crazy and scary. You think of all the things that could ho wrong. I am so happy I am terrified.  To say the least anyways life has been okay. My brother died.  It really got to me because he was only 41 and he had all these health problems. I keep telling myself to call or to go see him and I never did. I feel so bad. What kinda sister am I. A very bad one apparently.  I had to talk to my mom. To make funeral arrangements.  It was okay. Well thats all for now. 

Falling apart all over again

So I thought I was past a lot of things.  But when Liams dad wanted to take him and I had to talk to him. And then I saw him I was over whelmed with emotions and anger. I even yelled at my new boyfriend over bull shit because I was so mad I needed to yell. I couldn't figure out what I was so mad about.  Then the tears came and I put it together.  There is a lot of shit he did to me in 5 years. I don't trust I questioned everything I am leery towards things. I have panic attacks and emotional break downs where I can't catch my breathe. I am afraid of everything and everyone.  Some how he gets to be free and I get this.  A crazy person attitude. Us breaking up was supposed to free me. I was gonna be free. Now I feel more caged then ever in some ways. I want to break the chains that i am bound to. I don't want to worry. I just want to change the course of my life just a little.

Holy Shit

First off lots has happened.  My sister lost her baby 4 days before she was due just like I did. It was awful.  I kinda did what my tarot cards told me not to do but it lead me to this really great guy. I didn't want to like him. We both knew if we did kiss we would just connect and that would be the end. And I did and we did and it's the end. We spent almost everyday together except today. Talking watching movies cuddling.  I think I know most everything about him. One problem he drinks. So thats not good for me because of my demons inside. Then I let my youngest son go with his dad for the weekend he came back calling him dad. Which he never has he says his name. Then he said he needs a dad in his life. I asked him who told him to say that and he said his dads name. So he has been making him call him dad and all kinds of stuff and my son says he dont want to go back.  I am thinking of doing something that I dont want to do just to get rid of him and have someone else name on the birth certificate.  I have a bad feeling he is going to try to do something mean. I don't know what to do. God please help me. I will do anything to protect my child. My sister had her daughters funeral today but no one could go because everyone was sick. Life sucks.

My Sister Lost Her Baby

Fuck You

I feel like I fall for this shit all the time. Bullshit that men tell you. What is it that I can not find someone normal who will sit with me and just talk about anything and everything this. I always find men who don't tell me anything. Who lie. Who cheat. Who want to use me. I am tired and I am done. I am better off just being alone. I prefer it that way. Its better off than being hurt constantly.  Emotionally battered and abused. I feel like I am slipping away into the darkness alone covered in bitterness and revenge and I don't want to feel or be like that but at this point I would rather people stay the fuck away from me. My cousin said she thought this was going to happen.  That I would do to men whats been done to me and be revengful. Is that what my lifes become.

My Tarot Reading for Today

So the first pile is my present. It says I am sharing love, all kinds of love, soul mates, two hearts finding each other. That I am a free thinker at the moment which I am. That I am rushing things which I do. I am a now person don't like to wait. To have patiences and slow progress which is to do with work. But that I have satisfaction and good luck which I do. My past is the middle pile. I stopped after two cards because I jad enough of that. But it says in my past I had anxiety and fear and being afraid which I did. And when I pulled the Devil card thats when I stopped. It says darkest parts od the self, slave to something, inner demons. So thats all my past relationship. The last pile is future which says practice makess perfect, hard work, healing, peace, an object of desire, opposites uniting, passion, love, strength of will, wounded warrior. So I took it as keep working hard and it will pay off. I am going to heal from my past and be okay. I will find love and I will not give up and I will keep going. I am a surviver.

Music

Because it allows me to say things that I can not find the words to say. So I put on music and listen to the lyrics of a song. I feel it more or less. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to say the words in songs. I could never ask for help. I have always survived on my own. But the older I get the harder it is to pulls myself out of darkness once it takes over and drugs consume me. Theres no stopping it. I no longer care. I have fallin into a pit of darkness. I am trying to be strong. But I am just not. Sometimes I want to be this great person. Other times I wish I could just stay in the dark and not give a fuck about anything. Am I beautiful? Am I good enough? Am I going to be okay? Am I going to make it? Or will everything crash and burn to the ground only leaving a pile of white ash that blows away in the wind like it was never there.

Through Fire Lyrics (because this says how I feel)

"Breathe"

I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconscious life?
Can you show me the way?
I'm lost in the dark
I'm fallin' apart.
Can you unbreak my heart?

So I can breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?
I need to breathe

I hear the angels calling,
Can you send one down?
I see the demons crawling
Everywhere around

Can you pull me out from the mess I'm in
Before my lungs collapse and there's no turning back?

I need to breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?
I need to breathe
I need to breathe!

Can you hear me?
I'm screaming
I'm broken down,
I'm bleeding
Help me make it through
I need you

I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconscious life?

Help me breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?

I need to breathe before I slip away.
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe before it's all too late.
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe before I die this way. 
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe, I need to... I need to... I need to... 
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe

People Always Leaving

So I came home from working in OKC so proud of myself. I had bill money coming. I paid my rent and some of my bills and was waiting for my mom to give me this months rent so I could pay it when she informed me she spent all her money. My cousin said she spent it on drugs. That she spent the entire time in her room with her boyfriend not watching my kids. The house was a mess. It took 14 hours to clean and do laudry. My kids smelled like they hadn't bathed since I left and they had not brushed there teeth and there was no food in the house. My mom was a completely different person. Somehow I think I knew her being sober would not last but I had hope. She meets a man and in a second her life is completely fucked. So then she packs her stuff and she moved out. Well I can't afford this place on my own. So I called my dad crying because he always saves me from her. He said why do u always think she changed. So he told me to start packing and me and my sons can move in with him til we find a place. I have been packing. Its sad that my own mother someone who is suppose to biologically love me doesn't she never did. It should't shock me shes done way worse things to me but it always does because I would never do those things to my kid. And people wonder why I am screwed up about love. Well lets see because since I was little I have been trying to get my mother to love me and because she doesn't and has told me no one will ever love me I believed no one would. The truth is I don't know why I need her approval or love. People keep telling me walk away and stay away and I don't know why I can't. I wish I could

Falling and I Can't Stop

I have found pieces of my heart again. And even thou my brain tells me that I could not indure another heart ache I think I have always loved him in some way. Other wise why would I have been so attracted to everything about him. There was always something safe and comforting about him. It was they way he spoke to me on the phone. They way he would say things. But the moment I really knew I loved him is that I was able to be with him with out substances. I was molested when I was 5 and date raped when I was 18. Something about someone touching me has always made me uneasy so I learned very early on to use drugs or alcohal so I didn't feel that way. It was like he was a magnet and I was the fridge we were going to attract no matter what. I didn't need those other things. More importantly I didn't want them. The first time I have ever been okay being with someone. My cousin reds tarot cards and shes very good. She used three different decks and did it three times the out come was the same. If I choose what was in my heart in love then I would prosper in success and building a life and would be happy. It was amazing she basically told me that I needed to jump because it was all going to be okay. So thats what I am going to do. Because its about time I got my happy ending to a fairytale I never thought exsisted.

Darkness

I have a lot of darkness inside of me. I feel it creep up and creep in to my soul and completely change who I am. I need people in my life who don't let that happen. People who don't want me to drink or do drugs. They keep me on track and I wont apoligize for having them in my life. Male or female they are my friends. Because once an addict always an addict because you never know when your last time is. And your last time could be the death of you. I fuck up a lot. I don't do it to punish people I do it to punish me. Sometimes I think I am not worth it. That I have nothing to offer and other times I think I am great and other people can fuck off. My head is confused my heart is broken and I feel alone in a crowded room. For once I just want someone to talk to me instead of trying to have sex with me. Sometimes I want to shake people and say what the fuck could you be my friend for one god damn min. I am so lost.

Waiting

I waited for you to call but you didn't. I waited for you to show some interest in what was going on in my life but you didn't. I waited for you to want to spend time with me but you didn't. I just waited. Because you filled my head and my heart with lies and made me believe in things I never thought I would. I waited for you to care. I waited for you to want me. The more I waited the more I realized someone out there would put me first and want me and that I wouldn't have to wait anymore. I want someone who doesn't say one thing and do another. I want someone to want me. To need me. I'm tired of waiting and by the time you figure it out I'll be long gone having a happy life not waiting on anyone anymore.

Awakening

I finally got it. I realized why I was so sad. I think in my mind I still thought it was my fault. That I could have changed the outcome. I choose to not let that control me or he wins. I choose to decide that the last 5 years was a lesson to be more careful but to also not pretend it didn't happen. I still blamed myself. I choose not to do that anymore. Because I did the best I could. I tried. It didn't work I shouldn't punish myself. I also choose not to give up. Even thou I wanted to I'm not. I am going to keep fighting for the woman I used to be who I know is still inside me. Because I'm not done so quiting just doesn't work. There is so much more I want to do in this life and accomplish. So I'm going to do them. But only for me. Not for anyone else. I have to be the best I can be before I can be the best for anyone else. Watch I'm gonna do something great even if its only opening a group home non profit or traveling to help natural disaters. Whatever I am going to do. I am going to be great and help others.

Lonely Nights

I can't sleep. My moms gone with her new boyfriend she meet 4 days ago. He asked her to move in. Yes after 4 days. He has a huge house and acers of land and animals on it and a job and truck. He said we could move in to one problem with all that money he likes to provide party supplies where people just walk into him living room any time night or day and party it up. I have two kids I can't be in that environment. So my options move to Oklahoma City. Be close to my dad and work avaliable and car avaliable and live alone which I'm scared to because I have two kids and I don't want to worry about safety. Or get a place with my oldest sons dad. We have been roommates before theres just one problem he likes to get drunk and we beat the shit out of each other. He says he is sober but he has been sober before and started drinking again and it got ugly and stuff got broken. I'm just not sure what to do. I have choices to make and with each choice it leads me down a path. What if I choose the wrong path. What if I make a mistake. I like the schools in Lawton but in the city I would have work and I could go to college and get a degree in music like I always wanted to. I just want to do the right thing. This would be a lot easier if any of my friends would help me.

Unfinished

Is a writers book about her life ever really finished. I'm working on the ending and putting it in order to type up. I wrote it in events that were big to my life and important. It's always hard to relive your past especially if it's bad. Brings up a lot of memories that you wish would stay away. But the more I rewrite it the less pain I feel about it and proud I am that I made it through. I may have not been an angel but I survived. And maybe it can help others. Maybe all my mistakes and things I did will change the course of someone elses life. At least thats what I hope. I could just be full of shit and no one will publish this but at least I tried and failed instead of not trying at all.

Whats Up Lately

So I went to Oklahoma City to work from Lawton last week doing stagehand stuff. I've been back stage most of my life. My dad was in this business a long time. When he used to take me back stage I would watch them roll boxes on wheels down the ramps someone would be yelling stage right stage left. It was so amazing to me. My dad had two rules. Don't date a stagehand us girls had to date decent guys with good paying jobs which we didn't at least not at first, and the second rule was never be a stagehand. I was the only one that fell in love with it. I worked Disney On Ice from 2002 til now off and on. And the first concert I worked was Linkin Park. My favorite place was by a big speaker next to the stage. The sound of the music vibrating through my body was amazing. They took an empty space and made something with it where great songs would play. Music has always held a special place. It speaks to me. I listen to all music and lyrics. So after not working anything but Disney for five years I was going to work. I forgot how much I missed it. The people around me were like family. Some have known me since I was little. But it made me sad to think of those no longer with us. I'm going back Sat. To work again. I'm trying to decide if I should move there. I missed having friends. I've been cut off from the world for so long that I didn't realize how lonely and sad I was. I want to do this job and I want to be great at it. Partly because I want to make my dad proud partly because its a passion. Partly because when you hear a great musician like Elton John play and u can feel the vibrations of the piano in the nose bleed section u will fall in love to. This is what I want to focus on. Nothing else matters right now but figuring me out and who I am. For too long now I have stood by some man making his dreams come true and supporting them. Its time for me.

The Truth

The truth is 3 month ago I found out that my then boyfriend had lied to me about everything. Our whole relationship a lie. He would say I forgot holidays to his mom when if anyone who knows me knows I go big and make a big deal outta every holiday. He told people well my friends and family how much he hated me and talked bad about me and this was while I would be in the kitchen cleaning up a meal I just cooked for 10 people. He would be gone for hours and tell me not to ask where he was because it wasnt my business. He never paid bills but worked and made good money but told me it wasnt my place to ask. I got so used to being yelled at when I asked a question that I stopped talking to anyone and would look down when people spoke to me because if I gave anyone a look I got in trouble. He acussed me of cheating when he was the one buying call girls and escorts. I was glad in the end that he never touched me. He never gave me one compliment or said one nice thing in 5 years. He was abusive. But the worst part is he never told me he loved me or wanted a life with me. He said he didnt believe in marriage but the truth is he disnt want marriage with me. He had been looking at Ukranian brides. How much do u have to hate someone to want to marry a stranger from a different country. He made me believe everything was my fault and I followed him around like a little puppy doing whatever he wanted and yet he was never happy. He wouldnt even sign the birth certifiacute of our son but now that we are over hes on fb going on and on about how his son is the greatest gift and how he was done wrong. How what did I do to you. I didnt lie or cheat or abuse u. He walks away free and clear while Im forever fucked up lost and damaged. Now how does that make since.

Pain Is All I Feel

Days of not sleeping and crying. I keep hoping it will stop. I guess I surpressed the feelings long enough that I am just going to have to deal with it now. It's amazing how I thought three months ago I could just wish the pain away. If I removed all evidence of him and pictures then I could pretend it never happened. That the pain wasn't real. But it is. My plan didn't go so well. I fear he has won. That I am damaged and no one will ever want me. Because who wants someone so damaged. He won. He got what he wanted which was for me to be alone forever.

Can I Be Forgiven

Can we be forgiven for the mistakes we make. Every path leads us down another path. And if u make a mistake can u fix it. What if its a mistake to your self. What do u do then.

Sex doesn't always work

I have an addictive personality I do one of many things when I'm depressed.  I recently ended a 5 year relationship.  I got really sad thinking about how he wouldn't even consider marriage with me but he looked up Ukraine brides and over seas brides. Who would rather have some stranger who doesn't speak English then me and that fucked me up because I worked hard in my relationship did everything he ever asked and more and still got hurt. So I slept with strangers didn't feel better. I drank a lot and didn't feel better. I didn't feel like eating which is one of my habits and drugs is the last. And I am doing everything I can to hold it together but let's face it I'm broken. I don't want another relationship because I'm still hurting. What is it with guys no a days that want a relationship right away lo ice it's something I can give. I can't even think about that. I just want my memories gone and the pain to stop hurting. Can I please get that. Maybe some fucking patients. Anyways the point is that sex doesn't always help u think it will maybe it feel good for a min then u wondering what the fuck u are doing what am I doing. I'm losing my mind that's what.

Sometimes things suck

Sometimes you can not change the things that happen to you. You can't forget them or  move past them. They break your spirit and crush your heart and nothing any one says can make it better. The person next to me was a lie. The person next to me was a monster. Nothing you can say will ever make the sick things I feel when I look at you. I used to have a happy place. It was the first time I ever felt safe. I was 15 and someone once loved me. He loved me so much he walked in the rain with me for miles to get me away from abuse and take me to his friends house to hide. Everytime something bad happens I picture rain and him walking me. That feeling of being safe. It's sad that in 33 years that's the only safe memory I have. Someone once loved me. But now all I have is a memory.

Rebekah home for girls

"He [Lester Roloff] parlayed his traveling tent revival into a multimillion-dollar enterprise by founding the reformatories he called the Roloff Homes and asking his radio listeners for “love gifts” to sustain them."

Remember the Christian Alamo (Texas Monthly)

Lester Roloff, a prominent leader in the Independent Fundamental Baptist Movement (IFB), once said, "Whether you like it or don't like it, if you live rotten, you are going to have some rotten works follow you."  No doubt, Roloff never would have seen himself and the 'homes' he established as rotten and neither would the 'true believers' in the IFB.  However, we believe history can be an excellent judge and from our vantage point, the fruit of Lester Roloff's ministry is rotten to the core. 

In this post we are going to focus on just one of the homes Roloff established –the Rebekah Home for Girls.  For those of you who are not familiar with it, here is how one IFB church bragged about this 'home' for girls.

The REBEKAH HOME FOR GIRLS, located in Corpus Christi, Texas, is our largest home. We have had fifteen hundred girls in about seven years and the three dormitories have a capacity of about three hundred beds. It is located on 440 acres of land. This has been the most miraculous work we have ever seen and has been fought and despised by the devil. I have never seen such miracles in all of my ministry.

Miraculous work? If it was so miraculous, why did it close in 2001?  Some in the IFB might say — because it "has been fought and despised by the devil?"  Well, we'll see about that…

The Rebekah Home for Girls was established by Lester Roloff back in 1968 in Corpus Christi, Texas.  It was the very first Roloff home for girls, and its aim was to help young girls who were addicted to drugs, banished from their homes, involved in prostitution, serving time in jail, or in need of refuge.  It sounded like a noble undertaking, especially to those in the IFB who are known for having a low view of the female gender. 

In 1967 Roloff established an independent Baptist church in Corpus Christi called Peoples Baptist Church.  In his sermons he railed against communism, television, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, gluttony, and psychology.  Not only that, he was a King James Version Only kinda preacher.  In addition to his ministerial duties, Roloff estblished quite a speaking circuit and used his airplane to maneuver around the country.  It appears that this is what really motivated Roloff.  According to an article Remember the Christian Alamo in the Texas Monthly:

He [Roloff] parlayed his traveling tent revival into a multimillion-dollar enterprise by founding the reformatories [emphasis mine] he called the Roloff Homes and asking his radio listeners for “love gifts” to sustain them. The adult homes—the City of Refuge, the Lighthouse, and the Jubilee Home for Ladies—ministered to alcoholics, drug addicts, and petty criminals who straightened their lives out with Scripture, hard work, and clean living. The Anchor Home ministered to boys, and the Bethesda Home to pregnant teenage girls. But his greatest success was with the Rebekah Home for Girls, which he founded in 1967. The Rebekah Home took in fallen girls from “jail houses, broken homes, hippie hives, and dope dives” who were “walking through the wilderness of sin,” he told his radio listeners. Roloff remade these “terminal cases” into Scripture-quoting, gospel-singing believers. Girls who had been saved harmonized along with his Honeybee Quartet at revivals and witnessed to the power of the Lord on his radio show. He showed off his Rebekah girls at every turn, and he was amply rewarded: Each day, packages arrived at Roloff Evangelistic Enterprises laden with checks, cash, jewelry, the family silver—whatever the faithful could provide [emphasis mine].

Upon reading this portion of that article, it is my opinion that what was truly going on at the Rebekah Home for Girls and the other Roloff homes was a form of exploitation.  Not only did Lester Roloff misuse the residents of these so-called 'homes' for financial gain, but he traveled around the country with the Honeybees (a singing group) and coerced IFBers to support his growing enterprise. 

So what was life like at the Rebekah Home for Girls?  According to an eye-opening article in Mother Jones,

 Roloff's wards were subjected to days in locked isolation rooms where his sermons played in an endless loop. They also endured exhaustive corporal punishment. "Better a pink bottom than a black soul," [emphasis mine] he famously declared at a 1973 court hearing after he was prosecuted by the state of Texas on behalf of 16 Rebekah girls. (The attorney general responded that he was more concerned with bottoms "that were blue, black, and bloody.")

Another source lists the behaviors that would result in demerits at the Rebekah Home for Girls, specificaly:

talking about "worldly" things (such as television shows, secular literature, or old friends)

singing songs other than gospel songs

speaking

doodling

nail biting

looking at boys in church

failing to snitch on other sinners

being too close to another girl (called the "Six Inch Rule")

falling asleep at any point during the day

if you were a "new girl" (arriving within the past 30 days), you could not make Eye Contact with another "new girl"

talking

"Direct Disobedience"
(before they removed the doors from the bedrooms) closing your door before "Lights Out"

talking after lights out

not finishing food

bad attitude

negativity

forgetting to wear a slip (which many girls are not accustomed to)

The above source also described the home's living conditions and rules of communication:

Living conditions

In the facility there were no televisions, no radios, no magazines. Only approved books were to be read. The approved movies that were watched in the home consisted of Little House on the Prairie and videos with preachers shouting about the penalty of sinful living, music, and thoughts. The bible was enforced every moment of every day. Anywhere from (approx.) 30-60 bible verses were recited aloud and as a group at least once a day. Bible verses were recited before meals, before songs practiced and performed for church performances (the girls performed every Sunday for the People's Baptist Church and a small group toured at different times throughout the year), and sometimes during disciplinary action.

Communication

Speaking of anything worldly was forbidden, as was singing worldly songs.

Meeting eyes with boys in church was barred.

Letters going both in and out of the home were read first by the staff and censored…

Phone calls, which could be placed only to immediate family members, were monitored. If any negativity concerning the home was brought up, the call would be disconnected immediately.

No conversations were private, since staff listened in on the intercoms that were installed in each bedroom. The staff could listen to each room separately. They could also talk through the intercoms into the rooms of any girls they believed to be talking.

And, of course, there were the consequences for disobeying at the Rebekah School for Girls: (link)

Licks: Being spanked with a wood paddle. Other times, whatever was handy was used. (i.e. the rod from a set of blinds)

Confinement: Spending weeks hanging her head without speaking or making eye contact with anyone. This punishment was called "red shirt" or "discipline". The former name being due to the fact that these "deviant" girls were given only red and white checkered shirts to wear. They were only allowed to wear any other shirt when they went to bed. They were also made to stand with their nose to the wall and their arms at their sides all day. A 10 minute break allowed if they complied to the Helper's satisfaction. Many times the Helper would forget to give them a break. In this instance, the Red Shirts just had to remain silent and hope for a break to be given. Or, the Red Shirt could take a demerit (or three) for raising their hand to remind the helper or taking their nose off the wall– no matter what, the Red Shirt will be in trouble for the Helper's oversight. More often than not, the Helper was sitting at a desk with nothing better to do than critique them.

Sitting on the wall: Being required sitting (suspended above the floor, as if there was a chair beneath them) with the back against a wall and without the support of a chair, arms outstretched with the palms flat against the wall. Helpers would come around to each girl and place a book on their thighs, if the book slipped off, they would push the girl's hips down. If they failed twice, they might have to start over.

Kneeling: Being ordered to kneel, while either have two bibles resting on each outstretched palm or with pencils wedged between the legs.

The lockup: (THIS WAS NEVR USED WHILE THE MCNAMARAS WERE OVER REBEKAH, THE ROOM HAD BEEN MADE INTO A REGULAR DORM ROOM. IT WAS OBVIOUS WHICH ROOM HAD BEEN THE LOCKUP ROOM, THOUGH; THERE WAS A CAGE OVER THE INTERCOM AND THE WALLS WERE SOME SORT OF METAL WITH WALL PAPER OVER THEM. THE ROOM WAS SOMEWHAT UNSETTLING TO BE IN, EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT'S HISTORY) An isolation room used as solitary confinement. During the stay in the lockup the intercom piped in hourlong prayers from the pastor (Lester Roloff or Wiley B. Cameron) that would play in loops 24 hours a day. The detained girl could use a toilet but there was no possibility to wash or bathe. Girls have told of terrible smelling survivors of the lockup when they were released after a month of isolation.

Calesthenics:* Girls would do laps (1 lap run + 1 lap walk = 1 lap) for first 5 demerits, and then 100 of chosen exercise for every demerit after that up to 10. "cherry pickers", "calf lifts", "jumping jacks", "squats", "arm circles", "lunges", "leg lifts", "kills" (10 slow "calf lifts", 10 fast "calf lifts", jumping 10 times, 10 "scissor jumps", 10 half jumping jacks, 10 whole jumping jacks, and then going back through the exercises finishing with the 10 slow "calf lifts"= 1 Kill= 1 demerit worked off) etc. No matter how hot it was, you would do the exercise outside. When it would sleet or was below freezing, they would let the girls do their exercises either on the enclosed patio or inside. As mentioned, after 10 demerits, it was one lick for every 2 demerits. If you had 20+ demerits, your licks would be transferred to the next day. If you received demerits the next day and you ended up with 20+ again (that day's demerits PLUS the rollovers), they would continue to roll over until Sunday. Being the day of rest, you didn't have to work off demerits. You attended church twice a day and rested. Demerits started at 0 on Monday, unless you were on someone's bad side. Although it may seem like it would be easy to avoid getting to that point, it wasn't. Helpers were rewarded for giving out the most demerits. Not with an award, but Bro. Mac would verbalize his admiration for their righteousness or begin to give them extra privileges or leniencies.

The Wiki article on Lester Roloff provides an overview of what happened to the Rebekah Home for Girls from 1973 until its closing in 2001. (see below)

Some of the homes were temporarily closed in 1973 because Roloff refused on church-state issues to license the home through the state government. The institutions re-opened in 1974 after Roloff successfully appealed to the Texas Supreme Court which ruled in Roloff's favor that it was unconstitutional to close the homes down. At one point, Roloff transferred ownership of the homes from his evangelistic corporation to his church, thus compelling the state to sue the "new" owners (and restart the entire litigation) while he kept the homes running. The Attorney General refiled the case and secured an injunction that tried to shut down the ministry. In 1975, the state passed laws that required the licensing of youth homes. Roloff was arrested twice for refusing to comply with this law.

In 1979, in an incident known as the "Christian Alamo", Roloff urged churches and pastors across America who supported the Roloff ministry to come to Corpus Christi and form a human chain around the church to prevent the Texas Department of Human Resources from removing children from the homes. Legal battles with the State of Texas continued, and the homes were closed and re-opened. The Texas homes were closed again in 2001.

If you want a detailed history of the Rebecca Home for Girls, I highly recommend Remember the Christian Alamo, which appeared in the Texas Monthly back in December 2001.  It provides a lengthy explanation of how local officials received complaints about the Rebekah Home for Girls and how Lester Roloff and his successors were able to use their political connections and the separation of church and state to their advantage.  One of our TWW rules is that we avoid political discussions; however, I would be remiss if I did not mention that there are some highly disturbing aspects to this story involving some well-known political figures. 

So why are we discussing Lester Roloff and his 'homes' in the wake of his death and their demise?  Remember what George Santayanasaid: 

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." 

We are concerned that there may be other homes like the Rebekah Home for Girls still operating without any oversight whatsoever, and we have to ask WHY?  Who is funding them and why are kids being sent there? 

My mom was one of the 16 girls who testified. The abuse she endure for years changed her forever. There is a book on amazon Rebekah Asylum for Broken Children by Maggie Savage my mom was the girl from Norman oklahoma. It makes me sad because in her book she says a new girl arrived. She's not like others.  She is cheerful and has a bubbly personality. Shes from Norman ok. It's like she won't allow anything to get her down. She goes on to say they became best friends.  She also says my mother taught her how to draw, she's an artist, and Maggie taught my mom how to cry.  That broke my heart. Because she was never the same and some of the punishments I received as a child like sitting still for hours back straight not moving or time started over or writing passages from the Bible until it was perfect came because she was forced to do those things.  That kind of brain washing never left her until years later. That placed damaged her and in turn damage me. I finally understand  now after all of these years why she did the things she did. Please be careful where u send your children to. There are still places like this out there thanks to President Bush. If u read the Christian Alamo in Texas Monthly it explains everyrhing. Why this happens to kids. Why they didn't say anything. I believe in God and all he does but why did money flow in for places like this that were evil and we can't get proper group homes and foster home. Protect your children. 

Liars

Liars! I hate being lied to, things hidden from me secrets. I want someone who wants to share his life with me no just go through the motion. I want passion and romance. I can't stand this any more. I'm stuck, not knowing what to do. Dying inside tears fall down my face every night while he snores next to me. I could cry right in front of him and he yells at me. At some point I have to say this is not working and I'm not happy. I haven't been happy. I don't like being told that all the work and things I do is my job while u sit and watch TV. I do like u saying all I want is sex when we haven't had sex in years. I don't like u saying I want u for ur money when u have barely worked and when u do have a job u sure don't give me money I still pay for everything. I'm tired of u playing the victim. Poor me poor me! Its enough. I am done and I am tired. I want love.

The older we get but do we get wiser?

I keep no secrets about how much I journey! I have kept journeys for years and yesterday while working on my book that I am yet to finish I started reading my old journeys and realized how different I really am. I have grown in every part of me except my relationship. Everyone I had wrote about was the same. Its was all about not being loved in every relationship I have had. The only conclusion I could come to is that I choose unobtainable relationships where I give but get nothing. So then I started thinking I wasn't good enough or maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I choose these guys because I think  if they love me I will be validated for all my hard work I put in relationships. But that's not very good. You should not have to work at having someone love u. They either do or they don't. Its as simple as that. I think I keep changing my book because I keep changing the way I want my book perceived. I want my christian side to be known. That God let me on this path but also that I went through hell to get here and that I was no angel. I made mistakes and still make mistakes but I have grown with my walk with God and I am still learning. Then I thought maybe my ending wasn't done yet. My life is always changing but never going anywhere. I have to get ready for the day. Think about things. I hate that my birthdays coming up. I still have goals I want to accomplish but yet with each passing year I'm still no closer to completing them.

No Milk

From The Skinny Bitch: When a woman gives birth, her body produces milk and she nurses her child. Breast milk can grow an 8-pound newborn into a 24-pound toddler. Sounds pretty fattening, huh? It is. By design, it is intended to allow for the biggest growth spurt of a person’s entire life. Breast milk alone can accommodate for a 300 percent weight gain in a 12 month period. When her child is anywhere from 12 to 24 months old, a mother stops breast feeding. Her milk dries up. The child will never drink breast milk ever again.

Cows, like all mammals, are much the same. Their bodies produce milk only when they give birth. Contrary to popular belief, they do not need to be milked – ever. Their udders, like women’s breasts, exist even when there is no milk in them. There is one major difference, however. Cows’ milk, by design, grows a 90-pound calf into a 2,000-pound cow over the course of 2 years. It allows calves to double their birth weight in forty-seven days and leaves their four stomachs feeling full. Sounds even more fattening than human milk, right? It is. It should be. Cows are bigger than humans. And the inner workings of their bodies are completely different than ours, which they should be. They are cows. We are humans. Duh.

It goes on to talk about how they treat the cows and inject them with hormones tonkeep producing milk, and how we are the only species to drink another species milk. How puss comes out of the utters and into the pumps where the milk goes with blood. That goes into our milk. How people who drink milk had higher risk of fracture and breaks then people who don't. You have to read this book. It will change your life. I cut out milk and all sugars for two weeks then tried to eat them and I got sick. That's telling me it shouldn't be in my body. Sine cutting them out I have lost weight, felt better, had more energy, and had over all mental health. Now why is that if were suppose to have milk. Because they make a lot of money by lying. The way I think of it is if it don't grow I don't eat it. Just read the book it will change your life. And if ur pregnant read skinny bitch bun in the oven. 

Revenge

Revenge.... I have been rough revenge many times. The first serious relationship I had I fell in love hard. I felt this need to be with him. Its hard to explain but if you've been in love you know. We were both virgins when we met. I thought he was going to be my first. I started skipping school and running away to be with him. He was older that I was and out of school. I got into trouble too much so we cooled off for a while. I didn't think we were broke up but then someone told me he slept with two girls who we mutual friends of ours. They said it was true and so did the guy I was in love with. I wasn't ready for his world. I didn't drink or do drugs. And I knew I had to do these things to be with him. I was called a prude and virgin. There was my first clue. If you have to change who u are its not worth it. So I pretended to be a party girl until I became one. But I really loved him and I would have done anything to get him. So now that we were over I wanted revenge. I was never taught to forgive. He had these two friends. One was his best friend and the other was a mutual friend I introduced him to. See where I'm going with this. I thought if I slept with them I would feel better. But I didn't. I felt I had thrown something away that I wanted to give to him. I felt betrayed and hurt. We later got back together and he knew about it. But something shifted within me. It was never the same after that. I tried to fill my pain with drugs, booze, and sex. I wanted him to hurt like I did. And partly I was punishing myself for what I had done. I should have told him how I feel but I was young and didn't know what I was doing. I don't regret it because for a moment I was in love with someone who loved me and his family loved me. I had never felt love and they gave me hope something I needed desperately. I wasn't ready for a relationship that was that intense. I needed to grow up and learn to forgive not get revenge cause the only person I hurt is me. I had to forgive myself for my actions. And I hope one day he forgives me. Because with out his lo that he gave in the beginning I would have net known that love like that is out there. His family took me in and loved me and I thank God for that and for them. I hate that I caused him pain and I hate that for years I hurt from this. All I can do now is to say revenge is never worth it. Forgive.

Love

Does love come to us all? Sometimes the thins we want are not the things we get. My whole life I have been looking for love. I found liars and cheaters, users and abusers. Paranoid not trusting people, addicts and theives. But no one to love me. My 33rd birthday is coming up and my conclusion is it may never happen. I may never get marriage or fall in love. Be a couple who you see on the street that when they look into each others eyes the only person they see is each other. I've seen pictures where you can tell that they are truley in love. I'm a little jealous I had to admit. I want that. But I'm not so desperate that I want it now. I want forever. I want to be someone's forever. I want someone to look at me and think hes so lucky to have found me. That we are lucky to have found each other. Is that dumb. To believe in that. I really don't know. I'm alone even in a crowded room. People are talking to me but I'm not listening to what the say. I'm in my own mind wondering around lost and scared and losing hope.

Things I've lost

I lost almost 70 pounds. I was prescribed ibphrophen 800 for an injury 3 years ago when I had a fall. I was suppose to take three a day. It took them a year to get me to a dr who ordered an MRI that showed I tore muscle ligament and two bone sperns and planters fesitious. So for the next year I had injections of steroids and steroid packs to hopefully fix the pain. I could barley walk on it. Pro long use of steroids causes yeast infections. Yeast builds in the intestinal track. It made ius way to my lungs. Being a diabetic my sugar was uncontrolled and I got really sick. I was still told to take the ibphrophen. I started having pain and swelling in my gall bladder area. I couldn't do anything. I was so sick and in pain and all doctors did was prescribe more pills. Finally after 3 years my mom made a comment about how it may be the ibuprofen. So I looked up longterm uses and side effects and found I had all of them. No Dr ever told me not to be on them long term. While I was on them I got high blood pressure and damage to my eyes from high blood pressure. I stopped taking all my meds. Mostly due to fear. I had to cut out all sugar due to the yeast I had to get rid of because sugar and carbs make it grow. I healed from the yeast and my foot was better. My blood pressure went back to normal and weight started dropping off. I also quit having a red tent to my skin and rashes. But my GI track is still very messed up. Most days I can barely eat a bit. I stay nasiated and in pain. I have been iin pain for three years. Why didn't the doctors see this. Why did they keep prescribing pills. I'm terrified that I will forever have damage from this. Sometimes the side effects out way the reason u need pills in the first place. I would be carefull about taking anything from now on. #pills #ibphrofen #doctors #medications #pharmacy