So So with the Joy

I feel like things are happening but in a so so kind of way if that makes since. God keeps telling me that something big is coming my way and I should be patient and understanding but I'm nervous and inpatient. Which I should work on. I am watching these two girls for some extra cash starting Monday. I am really excited because its more income and who couldn't use more of that. I was the hostess of a Pure Romance girls night which was fun. Even thou I sell It Works our products are very different from Pure Romance and I support any mom trying to make a living. It was exciting. I talked to her about it works and she talked to me about Pure Romance. It was fun. My house is almost done decorating for the holidays and I am almost done Christmas shopping I just have to get the money for the food I am serving on Christmas dinner. I want to make something different I feel as thou I make the same things for Christmas that I do thanksgiving only I add a ham. I am so lost. I have been going on Pinterest to find ideas and the only ones I like is the dessert. I guess I could make every one pies and cakes and cookies for dinner. lol Well all and all its been great. I feel more in love with Neil then I ever have and I enjoy my sons company even thou the autism seems to be getting worse the older he gets. The more melt downs and stress but i am not giving up. I know I can do this and get him the help he needs if only I could afford to move to Edmond where they have wonderful schools and programs for kids like him and he could make friends. Here is to dreaming and making all my dreams come true.

Tree Trouble

I had ordered a tree from Fingerhut.com. It was suppose to be a gorgeous 6.5 Montana tree. When I opened the box it barely stood four feet. I wanted to cry. So I called the number for customer service. I got a person who doesn't speak English and who I couldn't understand. I told her the situation she told me I had to return the tree and then when they received the item back they could then refund me or then exchange. I was like this is your problem. You sent me the wrong tree. Now I have to wait 2-3 weeks for a different tree. No Christmas is around the corner I am keeping the tree. I am disappointed but Christmas isn't about house big your tree is or how perfect you house and decorations look. It about how you feel and the people that make you feel that way. I love my family and the way things are in my life. I am glad there is a roof over our heads and that bills are paid. We may not be able to afford everything that we want but we have what we need and we have each other and I am thankful and glad for that. There are other members of my family that I wish were around more but they make there owe choices and I can not change that no matter how much I want to. This Christmas i just want to be with my family and feel loved and happy. Thank you God for another blessed year. I may not have much but you are always looking out for me.

Baby its cold outside

Its almost that time of year when everything seems to go dark. Its almost like I am on auto pilot not really living just going through the motions so I don't have to remember the day that change my life forever. its amazing I am a very strong person yet this one event changed who i was forever. I keep thinking with every year that passes that with my daughters passing  I should start to feel better or at least accept it. In a way it just gets worst. Mainly because I don't talk about it. I don't think about it. when others bring up there loved ones i just don't say anything. I pretend like it didn't happen. I wanna feel better but I dont know what that would be. My weight loss is going okay. I havent really pushed myself. I try to but this time of year I just want to sit by the warm fire and cry. I pray to God for un answered questions that I know never get answered. I pray for healing and relief that my heart doeant hurt any more. I pray for sleep instead of nightmares. I pray for love to warm my heart so I dont feel lonely in a room full of people. I wait for my prayers to be answered. Tonight I will sit by the fire and pray.

Finding a House

OMG this is so hard. I have a place that helps with down payments and closing cost but first you have to  be approved for a loan then you have to find a realtor and then find a house. the choices are many. papers are sky high. Weight loss not so good. I have lost about 20 pounds but then I got stressed and had set backs but I am not giving up just got to work harder. A guy shot someone in the apartments next door four times then kicked in our back fence to get away from the police so that is what prompted me to want to move. I mean I am thirty one I should be doing this any ways. I have so many things I need to get done. It just all cost money which I don't have right now but I am not giving up I know I am meant to do greater things then this.

Sometimes you have to be scared

Sometimes in life you have to do the things that scare the shit out of you!

So busy

So I have been slammed. Since I last wrote my computer crashed. My entire life was on there. I never backed anything up because I hadn't had time since I only had it about 6 months. I have to take it to a Toshiba place to see if they can recover my files and then wipe it clean and start again. My son's online school is going great. It's difficult to separate home fun and work but he is adjusting. My son is 10 today. Its almost hard to believe. My weight loss is going okay. My foot is finally better. I got an MRI and a new foot doctor who has been doing wonders. I get injections for pain and swelling every 6 weeks so I get to up my workout. It Works products are actually working. I feel great. I have only had open customer but lots of bites. I am not an aggressive sells person if I feel it I go for it. Other than that I am just trying to keep a float. My dads best friend died. He was like my second dad. And his daughter is my best friend. It was hard after the funeral everyone came to my house. Most of the stage hand I had seen I hadn't seen in years unless backstage or at Disney On Ice. This year was the first year my dad didn't do Disney On Ice. It was always him and his best friend Randy back stage cutting up and laughing. I am afraid that if I think about it too much I will cry. Not only because I felt I lost a friend and a dad but because my dads hurting and that makes me hurt. I am afraid of death. Maybe more than the normal person. Death is scary to me more of a panic attack. I want to know where I go who I will see. I fear I don't have enough time. I want so much more and years go by and nothing gets done. Something always comes along. I don't want to go out the way I am living now. I want to be healthy and married and have at least one more kid. I want to do all the things that I am afraid to do. My mind is just racing with thoughts tonight. Well I must put the thoughts to be. Thanks for reading me.

Income

Its hard when you are relying on a new business to fulfill your income needs. I have two boys. One is autistic and ADHD so he can not learn in a regular school. I have to teach him at home. Its a full time job in its self but I also need to make income to survive on and a home business seems like a great plan. I started an It Works business. Its wraps and health stuff. I am excited but also scared to death. What if no one buys anything. What if I can't make rent and I can not sell anything. What if I fail. I think about these things all the time. I want to be with my son and help him. A regular job would not give me that. What if no one buys from me and this turns into another thing I tried and failed at. Its a scary thing wondering where your next meal comes from. I need to make at least 2000.00 a month. My rent is 850.00 and bills are high plus kids need food, clothing, and house stuff. So I need to make enough money that I can put back into my business and to live on. This is a lot of pressure. If I could just sell to 5-8 people a month and then recruit a person a month I can do this. Its for my kids. I can make this happen, and incase you want to help me make this happen go to my website and order from me. Even if its small our helping a mom and two small boys out. Everything counts. I can do this. I will do this.

ericareneeberg.itworks.com

An Ordianary Day

I feel better today. My liver pain has seemed to dissipate. I have been eating healthy. I still have slips but its okay as long as I know I am human and that it is okay to make mistakes. My computer is not typing right., I have to go.

It Works!

Before  I get to the It Works! I just want to talk about my illness. I found out that it was not my gallbladder it turns out that it was my liver. I can't blame anyone. When I thought it was my gallbladder I was like oh yeah I can get it removed and I will be fine. But I need my liver. It has fatty deposits clogging it from doing its job. I am a long time diabetic and lets just say I have done some damage on my body. I really wanted something that worked to help me lose the weight because lets face it until I can get my foot healed I can't really work out. I think working out lately has made it worse. I can barely stand on it. I am so mad and so frustrated. It works has wraps and healthy safe fat fighters and drinks and all kinds of things. And I had seen before and after pictures and I figured I would buy a start up kit for a business and sell 4 wraps at 25 a piece and then that would pay what I paid for the start up kit then I could use the rest I have left over. If it turns into a business that is great. I could use the money. I am just praying for a miracle to work. I just want to get back to being me before the depression turned me into this mess of a person that is left.

#itworks #ericareneeberg.itworks.com #lasthope #loseweight

Forgive me

It's great in life when you get forgiveness. I have been in so much pain lately that I have been lashing out. I am so upset with my self. No one knows how much pain I am in because of my foot. But I am pushing pasted it. I  have been working out and I keep my body moving no matter what because no matter how much pain I am in I am a mother of an almost two years old and I have to move in order to take care of my son. Other than my foot I have been great. I have been painting shelves and making my home a home. I am tired of sitting around in pain so I got up and did something about it. I am so glad its Thursday. Saturday is the party for Liam. The big two. I got some devastating news today about  a person who has been like a dad to me. He has stage four cancer and is going to die. He can not fight it because it brain. I am so distort by the news that I keep breaking into tears.  There is not a memory that I don't have when I was growing up that he is not in. Him and my dad were always side by side. I wish in the world that there was no cancer. I hate seeing people fade away and in pain. That is no way to come out of this world. It just makes it that much harder when you know its coming but at least you get to say goodbye. In all the years I have know him we never had a picture together. He was always in pictures I took. mostly standing next to my dad. My heart is broken.

Questions

Sometimes in life you have to ask a question. Why is it every time I ask a question I get yelled at? I am not sure I understand why people get so defenses. I mean what do you have to hide all from me asking a question. A very valid question that I have a right to ask because I care and I was concerned. But no I get yelled at and rude remarks back. I am so tired of being scared to have grown up talks and asking questions because of peoples defensiveness. If you can't give me an answer then what are you doing here with me. I am so tired of being someone I am not. I am not a push over you can use to treat like shit. I am a person who does not like the fact that I do everything by myself with out a day off by the way because motherhood doesn't get a day off and all I get out of it is 200 every two weeks which all goes to bills and the house anyways. which you bitch about. Gee you don't think I don't like  paying things. All my money goes to everything for everyone else. At this point I would be happy with clothes that don't have holes in them and a new pair of shoes but I don't complain. I choose to have my two sons there for they come first. Why do I subject myself to this meaningless relationship all so I can make you happy and in the end all it does is cause me pain. What's the point I cant even ask questions. I just wish for once my point of view mattered to someone. I feel alone and unappreciated. I have told him a million ways how much I love him and how much I appreciate him and care for him and I get nothing. I make big deals out of birthdays and holidays and always make him feel special. I have never even gotten a card from him in four years. I feel like I am never going to be loved by him as much as I love him. It should be equal and fare but I guess in life you don't get fare. You have to make sacrifices and decisions weather or not you are okay with being loved less. I guess I hope one day he will know how much I do for him or I will just always be the girl who smiles but is secretly dying to be loved inside.

Summer Time

I detoxed and I have been working out. I am so sore. My legs hurt but I know that means that it is working. I had a great fourth of July with my mans family in the country of Norman. the houses out there were so beautiful and it was nice to be in the fresh country air. I felt free. I swam and went in the hot tube and had fun drinking any kind of drink I wanted. personnel bar. I don't even know what I was drinking I was just drinking it. it was the first time I got to drink in a long time. The kids had an amazing time playing and setting off fireworks which one popped in my face but I put some medicine on it and it seems to be fine. I am going to stretch and workout. I need to work on my tan. I am listening to music and dancing around like an idiot but sometimes being an idiot is freeing. And truth be told I am just being me and no one else. Have a great day.

Grown up stuff

Mowing the lawn, running around, paying bills, and getting groceries all part of being a grown up. Money sure does go fast. Stretching yesterday really felt great. I have been drinking detoxing tea and plenty of water. I am committed to making this work. I hate motivating myself to doing something but once I do it I feel great and I wonder why I ever didn't want to do it in the first place. My son Jordan who is nine is having a hard time with having to change the way we eat. His diet currently consist of protein from meat and carbs from potato chips which after I tell him he has to eat his dinner his dad gives him crap. So I talked to his dad and told him that he can no longer have sugar and crap. I am like its just 30 days. Its not like your never gonna have that stuff again. Its hard to teach kids things when they think that they are right. Anyways I am about to stretch some more and do some leg lifts and butt exercises. I love taking walks but in my neighborhood its scary. too many raps and robberies plus I am always mistaken for a hooker which I don't know how who wants a fat hooker anyways.

Detoxing

So I am getting ready to detox. You should always detox when you are going to diet or change your eating style. Because I am a diabetic I detox often. It helps flush  everything out. I also combined that with drinking distilled water because it helps clean everything out. It also great for sour stomach and other tummy troubles and heartburn. I just drink it for a day and the next day I am good to go. I like to use the book the new detox diet book. it has great recipes and all kinds of detoxing things to do. I love detoxing but I hate the next day when I have no energy and I feel weak but its because it adjusting to no sugar which I am no stranger to. I love Redbulls and for the next 30 days I have to say good bye to them. I have been stretching my muscles out. My foot is killing me but I push throw it. It's hard but I have my whole family ready to join in on this with me. Healthy eating healthy life. I have made my list for my 3 day detox and 30 days of eating good. I can't wait to try the recipes on Dr. Oz. It was great how his web site laid out the recipes and ingredients I would need to shop for it makes this easier on a busy mom like me.

This is the list I use.

Droz List: The Perfect Grocery Shopping List for Weight Loss and Good Health!

    

 

Fruits

Apples, oranges, strawberries, cantaloupe, watermelon, bananas, grapes, blueberries, cherries, avocado, raspberries, peaches, apricots, tomatoes and pineapple. Fruits are a great source of fiber, which fills you up and contributes to a healthy digestive system.

 

Vegetables

Onions, mushrooms, carrots, peppers, cauliflower, zucchini, celery, asparagus, broccoli, beets, spinach, cucumbers, romaine lettuce and kale. olive oil. Vegetables are low in calories and rich in vitamins and minerals.

 

Black Beans

black, kidney, pinto, navy, and garbonzo. Beans and other legumes are a terrific source of lean vegetarian protein.

 

Nuts

Almonds, walnuts and cashews. Nuts have been linked to lower cholesterol, better heart health, and weight control.

 

Whole, Unprocessed Grains

Quinoa, whole wheat pasta, couscous and steel cut oats. Unprosessed grains are slow to digest, helping us control blood sugar and are filled with vitamins and minerals (they’re satisfying aswell, helping us curb our appetite).

 

Meat

Chicken breast, pork chops, fish and seafood. A 3-ounce serving of roasted chicken breast only contains 7 grams of fat and 170 calories. The key to all meats is choosing the leanest cuts available.

 

Dairy

Low fat milk, eggs, plain yogurt, cottage cheese. Low Fat dairy products aid bone density and blood pressure – plus there is mounting evidence that calcium from dairy products may play an important part in body-weight regulation.

 

Spices

Cinnamon, oregano, cilantro, black pepper, garlic, parsley, red pepper flakes, ginger and coriander. Spices are an important way to add flavor to any meal, and contain antioxidants, minerals and vitamins.

 

Organic Honey (use sparingly)

Organic honey (but use sparingly). As an alternative to white sugar or sweeteners, honey can’t be beat. For people who are overweight, honey reduces risk of cardiovascular disorders.

 

Cooking Oils

Flaxseed, sesame, walnut, peanut and grapeseed. These oils are from plants, so they’re a healthier way to replace unhealthy fats in your diet. Just use in moderation.

 

Finally, aka sure to avoid “meal replacement” shakes, nutrition bars or anything that says “skinny” or “low cal” on the label. These are usually dead giveaways that they are anything but! Shop smart, eat smart and work toward a healthier, happier you!

Also is recipes of yummy healthy recipes. Droz.com


The Detoxing book I use!

 

Time flies, time for a Change!

I haven't wrote in a while. My nine year old son Jordan dropped my laptop and broke my charger so I had to order another one on amazon and it came in the mail yesterday. That was a pain. I have been thinking a lot lately about life and how time flies and with each passing year how things seem to stay the same in my life and I never change the things that I say I am going to change. I was watching Dr. Oz of course and they were talking about Alzheimer's and how it is like a type 3 diabetes because they know that the more you eat sugar the more likely you are to have Alzheimer's. I am a diabetic and my grandmother had Alzheimer who was also a diabetic so it got me all scare because I don't want to forget one memory or moment I have had in my life. even the bad things. I take a lot of pictures so that I don't forget moments in my life. I have been struggling with my weight for a while now. I have a plan and a new look on life if you want to call it that. I am going to video log my progress to losing weight and getting healthy and not just me but my kids too. I just woke up one day and told myself I was going to live not die. I am starting on the and for thirty days I am going to follow Dr. Oz and the whole 30. I kicking processed foods to the curb and making it all fresh and healthy and if after 30  days I don't look great and feel better I can just go back to what I was doing. But as it stands I have diabetes, high blood pressure, low thyroid, planters fecitus, stress fracture to the heal of my foot, high cholesterol, sprained ligament in my left foot, and all around bad health. I feel pain everyday and my head constantly hurts. I used to be scared that if I lost the weight the skin would sag and it would be gross and I would think to myself I would rather be fat then sag but at this point after I lose the weight I will just deal with the duct I will have to have a tummy tuck and a breast reduction because I am a 50 G and after losing weight everything will just hang. But I know that if I want a tummy tuck and a boob job I will just have to work hard and save the money. I have done it before plus I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I am going to work as hard as I can following all the tips and notes I have been taking to pass this journey I must go on to survive. I don't want to live to die. I want to live to live.

Dr. Oz

I am a huge Dr. Oz fan. I DVR all the shows and then watch them once a week. I just watched them yesterday and I came to the show about heroin and how it was affecting people. It just got me thinking about the addiction I had over come and how strong I have been since being sober. I often wish I had the courage to say I'm sorry to the people that I hurt during my addiction. I was lucky that I was able to stop and never go back. Not that I am not scared that if I were faced with it what I would do. I just choose to never put myself in the position to give in. I went to bed last night hot. My air conditioner motor went out. I was so roasting in the bed next to Neil who was also roasting and I'm sure our kids were dying as well. The handy man fixed it today and it fells great. Makes me think of people who don't even have an air conditioner in the world and I wonder how they survive but I know that when you have to do something you just do it. I have been trying to get organized. My OCD has laid dormant enough. Its time to get busy and get things done. I have lived in this house for 3 months and its not how I want it so I need to get going on doing something with it. I have so many ideas but can't seem to get them together, and that would be the ADHD. I am making hamburgers and polish sausage for dinner. Something simple since last night I made rib eye steaks, scallop potato's, green beans, corn on the cob, and cherry pie so tonight I wanted it to be easy. I asked Neil why he didn't take his lunch because we have been trying to save money for a new car and so I would think that in his mind taking left overs would save him from spending money everyday for lunch and he told me he didn't have enough time. Now how hard is it to make lunch the night before, get up earlier and prepare it, or wake me up so I can make it for you. Three options to choose from and he chooses to buy his lunch. Are all men like this or just mine. and the thing is I'm not the one who said anything about saving money he was. So if you wanna save money why are you spending it. Makes no since to me. But I love him so I will just set my own alarm every morning and make his lunch for him. What we women go throw. Well I gotta go the kids are splashing water everywhere and trying to drown each other. Until next time this is my life.

Is It Really Monday?

I lost a day some how. I thought today was Sunday. Could it be that my life is so busy that I lost a day. I woke up this morning with my ankle killing me. I fell on it on Christmas and they doctors told me it was not broken but that I needed an MRI to see if I tore muscle or anything else. I haven't had time to go to get an MRI yet especially since I have been without a car. Its hard to depend on others and I hate having someone help me. So as most mothers do we put off what we need to provide for the kids. I could barely walk around but I knew I needed to go to the store and pay our cell phone bill so I got up got dressed and just went. It was painful but I did it anyways. It felt good to walk around. Really energized me up. Then I came home and did stretches and leg lifts. Me and the kids played in the pool. It was fun. I almost forgot about my pain for a while but then I couldn't move it again so I took a pain pill and a muscle relaxer and now I am making tacos. I feel pretty good. Today when I was playing with Liam my two year old I was wondering if everything I am teaching him matters. I love when he gives me hugs and kisses and is kind and shares his toys. He is so sweet and I hope that he stays that way and remembers all the good things that I teach him in life. It's like magic every time he learns something new. I think I get as excited as he does. Anyways I have to go before I burn dinner and I never burn dinner. Cooking is such a huge passion of mine. I just wish eating wasn't. Eat less burn more!

Just another day

He got a job. Neil got a job only because I went to work there too. Paranoid much. Gotta keep a close eye on me with all the baking and home cooked meals and laundry to do I must be doing something wrong again. So my boyfriend Neil was off work today and we decided to grill out pork ribs and steak. It was so good. I let the kids play in the pool. We had to do laundry which was a pain. The laundry mat across the street was completely busy and was a mess. People always stair when I go in there. We got the laundry done. I asked Neil what he would do if we ever won the lottery. I told him I would buy all of our family members a house in Rivendell and a new car. Then we started saying all the things we would do for other people. It was a nice thought. My son Jordan has been bugging me about his tenth birthday. We have been talking about my other sons birthday because its in July and he will be two. On his first birthday we didnt have any money so we didnt have a party for him. It's sad when you can not provide everything you want to in life for your kids. Well its just another day in my life. I have to clean up the house now. Since no one else wants to do it but I don't mind I just wish I got a thank you.

Intro to Me

So I woke up and had the biggest redbull ever in life. My son who is two woke up soon after that. Then I made both my kids breakfast. While they ate I sat and daydream about being a billionaire then for fun I looked at million dollar homes I can only dream over. After daydreaming I ate some grapes with the kids and put my face on. I watched rich kids of Beverly hills. I decided that I needed to get off my fat ass. I often wonder why I let myself get like this when I am so beautiful but so fat. But Melissa McCarthy is a big girl and she is beautiful and she is very happy with who she is. I wish I could be like that. She is my new idol. Tori Spellings used to be but.that was before she fall apart and became so over worked and stressed out she just cries and falls apart all the time now. I need a happy role model. She needs to take care of her. I still love her. My kids are playing in a small pool in the back yard. Then its nap time. I am going to pretend I am perfectly happy when I really wanna cry. This is my life. We just moved into this three bedroom house with me, Neil my youngest ones dad, my two boys and my oldest sons dad. Neil just got out of jail for not paying fines and I couldn't make rent on my own so Joe moved in and helped out. It may seem crazy and it may be but in this acconemy you have to compramise if you want to servive. Lets see if Neil feels like getting a job now. We have been together 3 years and he hasn't worked. I support him on top of everything else. I cook I clean. I do it all. See why I wanna cry now.