Notice anything?

My name changed. My last name that is. I got married. Yes married to my soul mate on Halloween in which I had been dating for 4 months. I know crazy right. He told me that he just knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I once said your my best friend and he told me no your my soul mate. I think he knew that when I meet him that I just couldn't hear one more lie so he never lied to me. We tell each other everything. It's hard for me at times because of what's been done to me. It's hard to open up I try to be honest but sometimes he just thinks I am one upping him when all I'm trying to do is tell him I relate or understand. I'm not very good at this but I try. I feel like I am failing most of the time but he just puts his arms around me and tells me he loves although I am not sure why. I am a complete mess. My youngest son went to live with his dad and of course I fell apart from that. Everytime I think about it I cry. It's hard. Rebuilding your life when you have torn it apart. I had a falling out with the step monster and my dad and made up. Although he still yells at everything I do. Understandable so that's how life is now just one day at a time. That's all I can do.

Liars will they never learn

The pain of losing me will burn forever. I promise that the fucked up part is that even though I told u everything that happened in my last relationship you still lied to me cheated on me used me stole from me. And thought u we're smart enough to get away with it. Karma normally takes care of it but I'll deal with this personally and you will feel nothing but pain.

Heartache is real

I often wonder how much pain one can take. I think I have had enough to last lifetimes. Broken promises lies deaths abuse abandonment. I have been shattered beyond repair. And they all say they have patients but they never do. The latest heart break said he would be the first of many. Of many what lies. He said he would never stop looking at me. Yeah that lasted a week. He said he loved me then text flirted with others. If u paid attention to me then u wouldn't have time for others ass hole and it all fell apart in 4 months. He said he would always try hard. More like try hardly. And he loved kissing me! when? When he was telling me I did everything wrong and saying he loved me at the same time. He loved talking with me then stopped one day and we never talked again. He always texted first and told me details where he was what he was doing where he was going.now he don't answer them for days and they are all lies. I am not at the casino being a jack as unable to be an adult. Whatever dude. If lying helps u then so be it. He used to say everything was lovely now he says fuck. Said he doesn't get mad and throw things and break them then why is my dresser and vacuum broke. I never seen someone get so mad before. Except a meth head oh wait that's what u are. U leave without saying a word I won't hear from u unless u want to sleep or eat. U pay no bills and u call talking about my feelings and how this upsets me bitching hum I wonder. At least if I do drugs I keep my shit normal it only falls apart when I fall in love and give everything to the other person. Well I won't fall for that again. I dont wanna wake up one day everything in pawn shop. My money already been stolen. And my shit gone through but no big deal right. Wrong very wrong. Ask any women if a man did this to her if she would stay especially if she hasn't had sex in more than two months. I didn't change u did dude. Dramatically and I will go on because I am a catch. But see karna will fuck u up and u will always regret losing me and miss me because u fucked over a really good loyal decent person to run around like a thug. So was it worth it. U might wanna start looking for someone that will cook clean cater to u r every need and u r guest every need wash your clothes give u message and blow jobs at will and make sure u have money for gas, car payment, casino, stuff u need, drugs, food, and anything else because I am one of a kind. All I asked was for a little time not even much. I asked for an hour on my birthday and didn't even get that. My bad. Just watch a movie or something together alone and u couldn't give me that. That's sad. Have a nice life. What was I wasting my time for. What did u do for me again except nothing but complain and I am the one u call dumb. Looks like u are

Promises

 A promise what is that. No one ever keeps there promises. I promise I love u. I promise I'll treat you right. I promise I'll be there. It's a load of crap. It's more like I will pay attention to everybody else. I will leave all the time and lie about where and with who and not tell u and be gone for hours. I won't help u at all. Yep sounds right. Broken promises is all I ever get. I ask myself why I keep doing this. Because really I have myself to blame. I could leave him but I don't. I take the pain and cry. That's all I can do.

Fighting

Okay I became friends with this guy. We clicked and istantly I could tell we were gonna be friends. Everything was good except he kept telling me his old lady had one eye on me. I was like why. So one day he came over and gave me a ring. He didn't look at me and was acting wierd. I told him I didn't want it but he insisted so I did. I left it on my finger because I was budy fixing food and having people over.  I forgot all about it. They came over later and she saw it and asked to see it. Now I had two choices let her think I stole it or tell her the truth. I went with the truth. So of course her boyfriend got mad at me I thought he would tell the truth but he didn't he still lied and throw me under the bus. I mean why did he give it to me. Anyways he hasnt spken to me and now he is echnoring the whole thing and pretending I don't exsist. So I have no idea what to do. Im sad pissed off confused and mad as hell. I want to yell at him. I wrote a whole note and thought I would feel better but I don't.  So I am gonna try and keep busy and not think about how I let another person in my life who abandons me at the first

What is a Soul Mate?

I have been doi g research on soul mages because its very confusing. I think I have found my. First we can not be mad at each other. We can't walk away from each other. From the moment I meet him it was like I wanted to be with him and I didn't know why. We spent every day together. Unable to move without him. He moved in with me and he had never done that before. We were saying I love you its weird honest. He tells me everything and I tell him everything. I try to walk away and I can't maily because a love like this is crazy and scary. You think of all the things that could ho wrong. I am so happy I am terrified.  To say the least anyways life has been okay. My brother died.  It really got to me because he was only 41 and he had all these health problems. I keep telling myself to call or to go see him and I never did. I feel so bad. What kinda sister am I. A very bad one apparently.  I had to talk to my mom. To make funeral arrangements.  It was okay. Well thats all for now. 

Falling apart all over again

So I thought I was past a lot of things.  But when Liams dad wanted to take him and I had to talk to him. And then I saw him I was over whelmed with emotions and anger. I even yelled at my new boyfriend over bull shit because I was so mad I needed to yell. I couldn't figure out what I was so mad about.  Then the tears came and I put it together.  There is a lot of shit he did to me in 5 years. I don't trust I questioned everything I am leery towards things. I have panic attacks and emotional break downs where I can't catch my breathe. I am afraid of everything and everyone.  Some how he gets to be free and I get this.  A crazy person attitude. Us breaking up was supposed to free me. I was gonna be free. Now I feel more caged then ever in some ways. I want to break the chains that i am bound to. I don't want to worry. I just want to change the course of my life just a little.

Holy Shit

First off lots has happened.  My sister lost her baby 4 days before she was due just like I did. It was awful.  I kinda did what my tarot cards told me not to do but it lead me to this really great guy. I didn't want to like him. We both knew if we did kiss we would just connect and that would be the end. And I did and we did and it's the end. We spent almost everyday together except today. Talking watching movies cuddling.  I think I know most everything about him. One problem he drinks. So thats not good for me because of my demons inside. Then I let my youngest son go with his dad for the weekend he came back calling him dad. Which he never has he says his name. Then he said he needs a dad in his life. I asked him who told him to say that and he said his dads name. So he has been making him call him dad and all kinds of stuff and my son says he dont want to go back.  I am thinking of doing something that I dont want to do just to get rid of him and have someone else name on the birth certificate.  I have a bad feeling he is going to try to do something mean. I don't know what to do. God please help me. I will do anything to protect my child. My sister had her daughters funeral today but no one could go because everyone was sick. Life sucks.

My Sister Lost Her Baby

Fuck You

I feel like I fall for this shit all the time. Bullshit that men tell you. What is it that I can not find someone normal who will sit with me and just talk about anything and everything this. I always find men who don't tell me anything. Who lie. Who cheat. Who want to use me. I am tired and I am done. I am better off just being alone. I prefer it that way. Its better off than being hurt constantly.  Emotionally battered and abused. I feel like I am slipping away into the darkness alone covered in bitterness and revenge and I don't want to feel or be like that but at this point I would rather people stay the fuck away from me. My cousin said she thought this was going to happen.  That I would do to men whats been done to me and be revengful. Is that what my lifes become.

My Tarot Reading for Today

So the first pile is my present. It says I am sharing love, all kinds of love, soul mates, two hearts finding each other. That I am a free thinker at the moment which I am. That I am rushing things which I do. I am a now person don't like to wait. To have patiences and slow progress which is to do with work. But that I have satisfaction and good luck which I do. My past is the middle pile. I stopped after two cards because I jad enough of that. But it says in my past I had anxiety and fear and being afraid which I did. And when I pulled the Devil card thats when I stopped. It says darkest parts od the self, slave to something, inner demons. So thats all my past relationship. The last pile is future which says practice makess perfect, hard work, healing, peace, an object of desire, opposites uniting, passion, love, strength of will, wounded warrior. So I took it as keep working hard and it will pay off. I am going to heal from my past and be okay. I will find love and I will not give up and I will keep going. I am a surviver.

Music

Because it allows me to say things that I can not find the words to say. So I put on music and listen to the lyrics of a song. I feel it more or less. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to say the words in songs. I could never ask for help. I have always survived on my own. But the older I get the harder it is to pulls myself out of darkness once it takes over and drugs consume me. Theres no stopping it. I no longer care. I have fallin into a pit of darkness. I am trying to be strong. But I am just not. Sometimes I want to be this great person. Other times I wish I could just stay in the dark and not give a fuck about anything. Am I beautiful? Am I good enough? Am I going to be okay? Am I going to make it? Or will everything crash and burn to the ground only leaving a pile of white ash that blows away in the wind like it was never there.

Through Fire Lyrics (because this says how I feel)

"Breathe"

I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconscious life?
Can you show me the way?
I'm lost in the dark
I'm fallin' apart.
Can you unbreak my heart?

So I can breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?
I need to breathe

I hear the angels calling,
Can you send one down?
I see the demons crawling
Everywhere around

Can you pull me out from the mess I'm in
Before my lungs collapse and there's no turning back?

I need to breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?
I need to breathe
I need to breathe!

Can you hear me?
I'm screaming
I'm broken down,
I'm bleeding
Help me make it through
I need you

I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconscious life?

Help me breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?

I need to breathe before I slip away.
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe before it's all too late.
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe before I die this way. 
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe, I need to... I need to... I need to... 
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe

People Always Leaving

So I came home from working in OKC so proud of myself. I had bill money coming. I paid my rent and some of my bills and was waiting for my mom to give me this months rent so I could pay it when she informed me she spent all her money. My cousin said she spent it on drugs. That she spent the entire time in her room with her boyfriend not watching my kids. The house was a mess. It took 14 hours to clean and do laudry. My kids smelled like they hadn't bathed since I left and they had not brushed there teeth and there was no food in the house. My mom was a completely different person. Somehow I think I knew her being sober would not last but I had hope. She meets a man and in a second her life is completely fucked. So then she packs her stuff and she moved out. Well I can't afford this place on my own. So I called my dad crying because he always saves me from her. He said why do u always think she changed. So he told me to start packing and me and my sons can move in with him til we find a place. I have been packing. Its sad that my own mother someone who is suppose to biologically love me doesn't she never did. It should't shock me shes done way worse things to me but it always does because I would never do those things to my kid. And people wonder why I am screwed up about love. Well lets see because since I was little I have been trying to get my mother to love me and because she doesn't and has told me no one will ever love me I believed no one would. The truth is I don't know why I need her approval or love. People keep telling me walk away and stay away and I don't know why I can't. I wish I could

Falling and I Can't Stop

I have found pieces of my heart again. And even thou my brain tells me that I could not indure another heart ache I think I have always loved him in some way. Other wise why would I have been so attracted to everything about him. There was always something safe and comforting about him. It was they way he spoke to me on the phone. They way he would say things. But the moment I really knew I loved him is that I was able to be with him with out substances. I was molested when I was 5 and date raped when I was 18. Something about someone touching me has always made me uneasy so I learned very early on to use drugs or alcohal so I didn't feel that way. It was like he was a magnet and I was the fridge we were going to attract no matter what. I didn't need those other things. More importantly I didn't want them. The first time I have ever been okay being with someone. My cousin reds tarot cards and shes very good. She used three different decks and did it three times the out come was the same. If I choose what was in my heart in love then I would prosper in success and building a life and would be happy. It was amazing she basically told me that I needed to jump because it was all going to be okay. So thats what I am going to do. Because its about time I got my happy ending to a fairytale I never thought exsisted.

Darkness

I have a lot of darkness inside of me. I feel it creep up and creep in to my soul and completely change who I am. I need people in my life who don't let that happen. People who don't want me to drink or do drugs. They keep me on track and I wont apoligize for having them in my life. Male or female they are my friends. Because once an addict always an addict because you never know when your last time is. And your last time could be the death of you. I fuck up a lot. I don't do it to punish people I do it to punish me. Sometimes I think I am not worth it. That I have nothing to offer and other times I think I am great and other people can fuck off. My head is confused my heart is broken and I feel alone in a crowded room. For once I just want someone to talk to me instead of trying to have sex with me. Sometimes I want to shake people and say what the fuck could you be my friend for one god damn min. I am so lost.

Waiting

I waited for you to call but you didn't. I waited for you to show some interest in what was going on in my life but you didn't. I waited for you to want to spend time with me but you didn't. I just waited. Because you filled my head and my heart with lies and made me believe in things I never thought I would. I waited for you to care. I waited for you to want me. The more I waited the more I realized someone out there would put me first and want me and that I wouldn't have to wait anymore. I want someone who doesn't say one thing and do another. I want someone to want me. To need me. I'm tired of waiting and by the time you figure it out I'll be long gone having a happy life not waiting on anyone anymore.

Awakening

I finally got it. I realized why I was so sad. I think in my mind I still thought it was my fault. That I could have changed the outcome. I choose to not let that control me or he wins. I choose to decide that the last 5 years was a lesson to be more careful but to also not pretend it didn't happen. I still blamed myself. I choose not to do that anymore. Because I did the best I could. I tried. It didn't work I shouldn't punish myself. I also choose not to give up. Even thou I wanted to I'm not. I am going to keep fighting for the woman I used to be who I know is still inside me. Because I'm not done so quiting just doesn't work. There is so much more I want to do in this life and accomplish. So I'm going to do them. But only for me. Not for anyone else. I have to be the best I can be before I can be the best for anyone else. Watch I'm gonna do something great even if its only opening a group home non profit or traveling to help natural disaters. Whatever I am going to do. I am going to be great and help others.

Lonely Nights

I can't sleep. My moms gone with her new boyfriend she meet 4 days ago. He asked her to move in. Yes after 4 days. He has a huge house and acers of land and animals on it and a job and truck. He said we could move in to one problem with all that money he likes to provide party supplies where people just walk into him living room any time night or day and party it up. I have two kids I can't be in that environment. So my options move to Oklahoma City. Be close to my dad and work avaliable and car avaliable and live alone which I'm scared to because I have two kids and I don't want to worry about safety. Or get a place with my oldest sons dad. We have been roommates before theres just one problem he likes to get drunk and we beat the shit out of each other. He says he is sober but he has been sober before and started drinking again and it got ugly and stuff got broken. I'm just not sure what to do. I have choices to make and with each choice it leads me down a path. What if I choose the wrong path. What if I make a mistake. I like the schools in Lawton but in the city I would have work and I could go to college and get a degree in music like I always wanted to. I just want to do the right thing. This would be a lot easier if any of my friends would help me.

Unfinished

Is a writers book about her life ever really finished. I'm working on the ending and putting it in order to type up. I wrote it in events that were big to my life and important. It's always hard to relive your past especially if it's bad. Brings up a lot of memories that you wish would stay away. But the more I rewrite it the less pain I feel about it and proud I am that I made it through. I may have not been an angel but I survived. And maybe it can help others. Maybe all my mistakes and things I did will change the course of someone elses life. At least thats what I hope. I could just be full of shit and no one will publish this but at least I tried and failed instead of not trying at all.