Fuck You

I feel like I fall for this shit all the time. Bullshit that men tell you. What is it that I can not find someone normal who will sit with me and just talk about anything and everything this. I always find men who don't tell me anything. Who lie. Who cheat. Who want to use me. I am tired and I am done. I am better off just being alone. I prefer it that way. Its better off than being hurt constantly.  Emotionally battered and abused. I feel like I am slipping away into the darkness alone covered in bitterness and revenge and I don't want to feel or be like that but at this point I would rather people stay the fuck away from me. My cousin said she thought this was going to happen.  That I would do to men whats been done to me and be revengful. Is that what my lifes become.

My Tarot Reading for Today

So the first pile is my present. It says I am sharing love, all kinds of love, soul mates, two hearts finding each other. That I am a free thinker at the moment which I am. That I am rushing things which I do. I am a now person don't like to wait. To have patiences and slow progress which is to do with work. But that I have satisfaction and good luck which I do. My past is the middle pile. I stopped after two cards because I jad enough of that. But it says in my past I had anxiety and fear and being afraid which I did. And when I pulled the Devil card thats when I stopped. It says darkest parts od the self, slave to something, inner demons. So thats all my past relationship. The last pile is future which says practice makess perfect, hard work, healing, peace, an object of desire, opposites uniting, passion, love, strength of will, wounded warrior. So I took it as keep working hard and it will pay off. I am going to heal from my past and be okay. I will find love and I will not give up and I will keep going. I am a surviver.

Music

Because it allows me to say things that I can not find the words to say. So I put on music and listen to the lyrics of a song. I feel it more or less. Sometimes I wish I was brave enough to say the words in songs. I could never ask for help. I have always survived on my own. But the older I get the harder it is to pulls myself out of darkness once it takes over and drugs consume me. Theres no stopping it. I no longer care. I have fallin into a pit of darkness. I am trying to be strong. But I am just not. Sometimes I want to be this great person. Other times I wish I could just stay in the dark and not give a fuck about anything. Am I beautiful? Am I good enough? Am I going to be okay? Am I going to make it? Or will everything crash and burn to the ground only leaving a pile of white ash that blows away in the wind like it was never there.

Through Fire Lyrics (because this says how I feel)

"Breathe"

I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconscious life?
Can you show me the way?
I'm lost in the dark
I'm fallin' apart.
Can you unbreak my heart?

So I can breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?
I need to breathe

I hear the angels calling,
Can you send one down?
I see the demons crawling
Everywhere around

Can you pull me out from the mess I'm in
Before my lungs collapse and there's no turning back?

I need to breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?
I need to breathe
I need to breathe!

Can you hear me?
I'm screaming
I'm broken down,
I'm bleeding
Help me make it through
I need you

I fade to black as I search for the light
Can you bring me back from this unconscious life?

Help me breathe
Before I suffocate
Before it's all too late,
Before I die this way

I need to breathe before I slip away
While there's something left to say
Can you help me?

I need to breathe before I slip away.
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe before it's all too late.
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe before I die this way. 
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe, I need to... I need to... I need to... 
Can you rescue me
I need to breathe

People Always Leaving

So I came home from working in OKC so proud of myself. I had bill money coming. I paid my rent and some of my bills and was waiting for my mom to give me this months rent so I could pay it when she informed me she spent all her money. My cousin said she spent it on drugs. That she spent the entire time in her room with her boyfriend not watching my kids. The house was a mess. It took 14 hours to clean and do laudry. My kids smelled like they hadn't bathed since I left and they had not brushed there teeth and there was no food in the house. My mom was a completely different person. Somehow I think I knew her being sober would not last but I had hope. She meets a man and in a second her life is completely fucked. So then she packs her stuff and she moved out. Well I can't afford this place on my own. So I called my dad crying because he always saves me from her. He said why do u always think she changed. So he told me to start packing and me and my sons can move in with him til we find a place. I have been packing. Its sad that my own mother someone who is suppose to biologically love me doesn't she never did. It should't shock me shes done way worse things to me but it always does because I would never do those things to my kid. And people wonder why I am screwed up about love. Well lets see because since I was little I have been trying to get my mother to love me and because she doesn't and has told me no one will ever love me I believed no one would. The truth is I don't know why I need her approval or love. People keep telling me walk away and stay away and I don't know why I can't. I wish I could

Falling and I Can't Stop

I have found pieces of my heart again. And even thou my brain tells me that I could not indure another heart ache I think I have always loved him in some way. Other wise why would I have been so attracted to everything about him. There was always something safe and comforting about him. It was they way he spoke to me on the phone. They way he would say things. But the moment I really knew I loved him is that I was able to be with him with out substances. I was molested when I was 5 and date raped when I was 18. Something about someone touching me has always made me uneasy so I learned very early on to use drugs or alcohal so I didn't feel that way. It was like he was a magnet and I was the fridge we were going to attract no matter what. I didn't need those other things. More importantly I didn't want them. The first time I have ever been okay being with someone. My cousin reds tarot cards and shes very good. She used three different decks and did it three times the out come was the same. If I choose what was in my heart in love then I would prosper in success and building a life and would be happy. It was amazing she basically told me that I needed to jump because it was all going to be okay. So thats what I am going to do. Because its about time I got my happy ending to a fairytale I never thought exsisted.

Darkness

I have a lot of darkness inside of me. I feel it creep up and creep in to my soul and completely change who I am. I need people in my life who don't let that happen. People who don't want me to drink or do drugs. They keep me on track and I wont apoligize for having them in my life. Male or female they are my friends. Because once an addict always an addict because you never know when your last time is. And your last time could be the death of you. I fuck up a lot. I don't do it to punish people I do it to punish me. Sometimes I think I am not worth it. That I have nothing to offer and other times I think I am great and other people can fuck off. My head is confused my heart is broken and I feel alone in a crowded room. For once I just want someone to talk to me instead of trying to have sex with me. Sometimes I want to shake people and say what the fuck could you be my friend for one god damn min. I am so lost.