Waiting

I waited for you to call but you didn't. I waited for you to show some interest in what was going on in my life but you didn't. I waited for you to want to spend time with me but you didn't. I just waited. Because you filled my head and my heart with lies and made me believe in things I never thought I would. I waited for you to care. I waited for you to want me. The more I waited the more I realized someone out there would put me first and want me and that I wouldn't have to wait anymore. I want someone who doesn't say one thing and do another. I want someone to want me. To need me. I'm tired of waiting and by the time you figure it out I'll be long gone having a happy life not waiting on anyone anymore.

Awakening

I finally got it. I realized why I was so sad. I think in my mind I still thought it was my fault. That I could have changed the outcome. I choose to not let that control me or he wins. I choose to decide that the last 5 years was a lesson to be more careful but to also not pretend it didn't happen. I still blamed myself. I choose not to do that anymore. Because I did the best I could. I tried. It didn't work I shouldn't punish myself. I also choose not to give up. Even thou I wanted to I'm not. I am going to keep fighting for the woman I used to be who I know is still inside me. Because I'm not done so quiting just doesn't work. There is so much more I want to do in this life and accomplish. So I'm going to do them. But only for me. Not for anyone else. I have to be the best I can be before I can be the best for anyone else. Watch I'm gonna do something great even if its only opening a group home non profit or traveling to help natural disaters. Whatever I am going to do. I am going to be great and help others.

Lonely Nights

I can't sleep. My moms gone with her new boyfriend she meet 4 days ago. He asked her to move in. Yes after 4 days. He has a huge house and acers of land and animals on it and a job and truck. He said we could move in to one problem with all that money he likes to provide party supplies where people just walk into him living room any time night or day and party it up. I have two kids I can't be in that environment. So my options move to Oklahoma City. Be close to my dad and work avaliable and car avaliable and live alone which I'm scared to because I have two kids and I don't want to worry about safety. Or get a place with my oldest sons dad. We have been roommates before theres just one problem he likes to get drunk and we beat the shit out of each other. He says he is sober but he has been sober before and started drinking again and it got ugly and stuff got broken. I'm just not sure what to do. I have choices to make and with each choice it leads me down a path. What if I choose the wrong path. What if I make a mistake. I like the schools in Lawton but in the city I would have work and I could go to college and get a degree in music like I always wanted to. I just want to do the right thing. This would be a lot easier if any of my friends would help me.

Unfinished

Is a writers book about her life ever really finished. I'm working on the ending and putting it in order to type up. I wrote it in events that were big to my life and important. It's always hard to relive your past especially if it's bad. Brings up a lot of memories that you wish would stay away. But the more I rewrite it the less pain I feel about it and proud I am that I made it through. I may have not been an angel but I survived. And maybe it can help others. Maybe all my mistakes and things I did will change the course of someone elses life. At least thats what I hope. I could just be full of shit and no one will publish this but at least I tried and failed instead of not trying at all.

Whats Up Lately

So I went to Oklahoma City to work from Lawton last week doing stagehand stuff. I've been back stage most of my life. My dad was in this business a long time. When he used to take me back stage I would watch them roll boxes on wheels down the ramps someone would be yelling stage right stage left. It was so amazing to me. My dad had two rules. Don't date a stagehand us girls had to date decent guys with good paying jobs which we didn't at least not at first, and the second rule was never be a stagehand. I was the only one that fell in love with it. I worked Disney On Ice from 2002 til now off and on. And the first concert I worked was Linkin Park. My favorite place was by a big speaker next to the stage. The sound of the music vibrating through my body was amazing. They took an empty space and made something with it where great songs would play. Music has always held a special place. It speaks to me. I listen to all music and lyrics. So after not working anything but Disney for five years I was going to work. I forgot how much I missed it. The people around me were like family. Some have known me since I was little. But it made me sad to think of those no longer with us. I'm going back Sat. To work again. I'm trying to decide if I should move there. I missed having friends. I've been cut off from the world for so long that I didn't realize how lonely and sad I was. I want to do this job and I want to be great at it. Partly because I want to make my dad proud partly because its a passion. Partly because when you hear a great musician like Elton John play and u can feel the vibrations of the piano in the nose bleed section u will fall in love to. This is what I want to focus on. Nothing else matters right now but figuring me out and who I am. For too long now I have stood by some man making his dreams come true and supporting them. Its time for me.

The Truth

The truth is 3 month ago I found out that my then boyfriend had lied to me about everything. Our whole relationship a lie. He would say I forgot holidays to his mom when if anyone who knows me knows I go big and make a big deal outta every holiday. He told people well my friends and family how much he hated me and talked bad about me and this was while I would be in the kitchen cleaning up a meal I just cooked for 10 people. He would be gone for hours and tell me not to ask where he was because it wasnt my business. He never paid bills but worked and made good money but told me it wasnt my place to ask. I got so used to being yelled at when I asked a question that I stopped talking to anyone and would look down when people spoke to me because if I gave anyone a look I got in trouble. He acussed me of cheating when he was the one buying call girls and escorts. I was glad in the end that he never touched me. He never gave me one compliment or said one nice thing in 5 years. He was abusive. But the worst part is he never told me he loved me or wanted a life with me. He said he didnt believe in marriage but the truth is he disnt want marriage with me. He had been looking at Ukranian brides. How much do u have to hate someone to want to marry a stranger from a different country. He made me believe everything was my fault and I followed him around like a little puppy doing whatever he wanted and yet he was never happy. He wouldnt even sign the birth certifiacute of our son but now that we are over hes on fb going on and on about how his son is the greatest gift and how he was done wrong. How what did I do to you. I didnt lie or cheat or abuse u. He walks away free and clear while Im forever fucked up lost and damaged. Now how does that make since.

Pain Is All I Feel

Days of not sleeping and crying. I keep hoping it will stop. I guess I surpressed the feelings long enough that I am just going to have to deal with it now. It's amazing how I thought three months ago I could just wish the pain away. If I removed all evidence of him and pictures then I could pretend it never happened. That the pain wasn't real. But it is. My plan didn't go so well. I fear he has won. That I am damaged and no one will ever want me. Because who wants someone so damaged. He won. He got what he wanted which was for me to be alone forever.

Can I Be Forgiven

Can we be forgiven for the mistakes we make. Every path leads us down another path. And if u make a mistake can u fix it. What if its a mistake to your self. What do u do then.