Liars

Liars! I hate being lied to, things hidden from me secrets. I want someone who wants to share his life with me no just go through the motion. I want passion and romance. I can't stand this any more. I'm stuck, not knowing what to do. Dying inside tears fall down my face every night while he snores next to me. I could cry right in front of him and he yells at me. At some point I have to say this is not working and I'm not happy. I haven't been happy. I don't like being told that all the work and things I do is my job while u sit and watch TV. I do like u saying all I want is sex when we haven't had sex in years. I don't like u saying I want u for ur money when u have barely worked and when u do have a job u sure don't give me money I still pay for everything. I'm tired of u playing the victim. Poor me poor me! Its enough. I am done and I am tired. I want love.

The older we get but do we get wiser?

I keep no secrets about how much I journey! I have kept journeys for years and yesterday while working on my book that I am yet to finish I started reading my old journeys and realized how different I really am. I have grown in every part of me except my relationship. Everyone I had wrote about was the same. Its was all about not being loved in every relationship I have had. The only conclusion I could come to is that I choose unobtainable relationships where I give but get nothing. So then I started thinking I wasn't good enough or maybe I didn't try hard enough or maybe I choose these guys because I think  if they love me I will be validated for all my hard work I put in relationships. But that's not very good. You should not have to work at having someone love u. They either do or they don't. Its as simple as that. I think I keep changing my book because I keep changing the way I want my book perceived. I want my christian side to be known. That God let me on this path but also that I went through hell to get here and that I was no angel. I made mistakes and still make mistakes but I have grown with my walk with God and I am still learning. Then I thought maybe my ending wasn't done yet. My life is always changing but never going anywhere. I have to get ready for the day. Think about things. I hate that my birthdays coming up. I still have goals I want to accomplish but yet with each passing year I'm still no closer to completing them.

No Milk

From The Skinny Bitch: When a woman gives birth, her body produces milk and she nurses her child. Breast milk can grow an 8-pound newborn into a 24-pound toddler. Sounds pretty fattening, huh? It is. By design, it is intended to allow for the biggest growth spurt of a person’s entire life. Breast milk alone can accommodate for a 300 percent weight gain in a 12 month period. When her child is anywhere from 12 to 24 months old, a mother stops breast feeding. Her milk dries up. The child will never drink breast milk ever again.

Cows, like all mammals, are much the same. Their bodies produce milk only when they give birth. Contrary to popular belief, they do not need to be milked – ever. Their udders, like women’s breasts, exist even when there is no milk in them. There is one major difference, however. Cows’ milk, by design, grows a 90-pound calf into a 2,000-pound cow over the course of 2 years. It allows calves to double their birth weight in forty-seven days and leaves their four stomachs feeling full. Sounds even more fattening than human milk, right? It is. It should be. Cows are bigger than humans. And the inner workings of their bodies are completely different than ours, which they should be. They are cows. We are humans. Duh.

It goes on to talk about how they treat the cows and inject them with hormones tonkeep producing milk, and how we are the only species to drink another species milk. How puss comes out of the utters and into the pumps where the milk goes with blood. That goes into our milk. How people who drink milk had higher risk of fracture and breaks then people who don't. You have to read this book. It will change your life. I cut out milk and all sugars for two weeks then tried to eat them and I got sick. That's telling me it shouldn't be in my body. Sine cutting them out I have lost weight, felt better, had more energy, and had over all mental health. Now why is that if were suppose to have milk. Because they make a lot of money by lying. The way I think of it is if it don't grow I don't eat it. Just read the book it will change your life. And if ur pregnant read skinny bitch bun in the oven. 

Revenge

Revenge.... I have been rough revenge many times. The first serious relationship I had I fell in love hard. I felt this need to be with him. Its hard to explain but if you've been in love you know. We were both virgins when we met. I thought he was going to be my first. I started skipping school and running away to be with him. He was older that I was and out of school. I got into trouble too much so we cooled off for a while. I didn't think we were broke up but then someone told me he slept with two girls who we mutual friends of ours. They said it was true and so did the guy I was in love with. I wasn't ready for his world. I didn't drink or do drugs. And I knew I had to do these things to be with him. I was called a prude and virgin. There was my first clue. If you have to change who u are its not worth it. So I pretended to be a party girl until I became one. But I really loved him and I would have done anything to get him. So now that we were over I wanted revenge. I was never taught to forgive. He had these two friends. One was his best friend and the other was a mutual friend I introduced him to. See where I'm going with this. I thought if I slept with them I would feel better. But I didn't. I felt I had thrown something away that I wanted to give to him. I felt betrayed and hurt. We later got back together and he knew about it. But something shifted within me. It was never the same after that. I tried to fill my pain with drugs, booze, and sex. I wanted him to hurt like I did. And partly I was punishing myself for what I had done. I should have told him how I feel but I was young and didn't know what I was doing. I don't regret it because for a moment I was in love with someone who loved me and his family loved me. I had never felt love and they gave me hope something I needed desperately. I wasn't ready for a relationship that was that intense. I needed to grow up and learn to forgive not get revenge cause the only person I hurt is me. I had to forgive myself for my actions. And I hope one day he forgives me. Because with out his lo that he gave in the beginning I would have net known that love like that is out there. His family took me in and loved me and I thank God for that and for them. I hate that I caused him pain and I hate that for years I hurt from this. All I can do now is to say revenge is never worth it. Forgive.

Love

Does love come to us all? Sometimes the thins we want are not the things we get. My whole life I have been looking for love. I found liars and cheaters, users and abusers. Paranoid not trusting people, addicts and theives. But no one to love me. My 33rd birthday is coming up and my conclusion is it may never happen. I may never get marriage or fall in love. Be a couple who you see on the street that when they look into each others eyes the only person they see is each other. I've seen pictures where you can tell that they are truley in love. I'm a little jealous I had to admit. I want that. But I'm not so desperate that I want it now. I want forever. I want to be someone's forever. I want someone to look at me and think hes so lucky to have found me. That we are lucky to have found each other. Is that dumb. To believe in that. I really don't know. I'm alone even in a crowded room. People are talking to me but I'm not listening to what the say. I'm in my own mind wondering around lost and scared and losing hope.

Things I've lost

I lost almost 70 pounds. I was prescribed ibphrophen 800 for an injury 3 years ago when I had a fall. I was suppose to take three a day. It took them a year to get me to a dr who ordered an MRI that showed I tore muscle ligament and two bone sperns and planters fesitious. So for the next year I had injections of steroids and steroid packs to hopefully fix the pain. I could barley walk on it. Pro long use of steroids causes yeast infections. Yeast builds in the intestinal track. It made ius way to my lungs. Being a diabetic my sugar was uncontrolled and I got really sick. I was still told to take the ibphrophen. I started having pain and swelling in my gall bladder area. I couldn't do anything. I was so sick and in pain and all doctors did was prescribe more pills. Finally after 3 years my mom made a comment about how it may be the ibuprofen. So I looked up longterm uses and side effects and found I had all of them. No Dr ever told me not to be on them long term. While I was on them I got high blood pressure and damage to my eyes from high blood pressure. I stopped taking all my meds. Mostly due to fear. I had to cut out all sugar due to the yeast I had to get rid of because sugar and carbs make it grow. I healed from the yeast and my foot was better. My blood pressure went back to normal and weight started dropping off. I also quit having a red tent to my skin and rashes. But my GI track is still very messed up. Most days I can barely eat a bit. I stay nasiated and in pain. I have been iin pain for three years. Why didn't the doctors see this. Why did they keep prescribing pills. I'm terrified that I will forever have damage from this. Sometimes the side effects out way the reason u need pills in the first place. I would be carefull about taking anything from now on. #pills #ibphrofen #doctors #medications #pharmacy