Forgive me

It's great in life when you get forgiveness. I have been in so much pain lately that I have been lashing out. I am so upset with my self. No one knows how much pain I am in because of my foot. But I am pushing pasted it. I  have been working out and I keep my body moving no matter what because no matter how much pain I am in I am a mother of an almost two years old and I have to move in order to take care of my son. Other than my foot I have been great. I have been painting shelves and making my home a home. I am tired of sitting around in pain so I got up and did something about it. I am so glad its Thursday. Saturday is the party for Liam. The big two. I got some devastating news today about  a person who has been like a dad to me. He has stage four cancer and is going to die. He can not fight it because it brain. I am so distort by the news that I keep breaking into tears.  There is not a memory that I don't have when I was growing up that he is not in. Him and my dad were always side by side. I wish in the world that there was no cancer. I hate seeing people fade away and in pain. That is no way to come out of this world. It just makes it that much harder when you know its coming but at least you get to say goodbye. In all the years I have know him we never had a picture together. He was always in pictures I took. mostly standing next to my dad. My heart is broken.

Questions

Sometimes in life you have to ask a question. Why is it every time I ask a question I get yelled at? I am not sure I understand why people get so defenses. I mean what do you have to hide all from me asking a question. A very valid question that I have a right to ask because I care and I was concerned. But no I get yelled at and rude remarks back. I am so tired of being scared to have grown up talks and asking questions because of peoples defensiveness. If you can't give me an answer then what are you doing here with me. I am so tired of being someone I am not. I am not a push over you can use to treat like shit. I am a person who does not like the fact that I do everything by myself with out a day off by the way because motherhood doesn't get a day off and all I get out of it is 200 every two weeks which all goes to bills and the house anyways. which you bitch about. Gee you don't think I don't like  paying things. All my money goes to everything for everyone else. At this point I would be happy with clothes that don't have holes in them and a new pair of shoes but I don't complain. I choose to have my two sons there for they come first. Why do I subject myself to this meaningless relationship all so I can make you happy and in the end all it does is cause me pain. What's the point I cant even ask questions. I just wish for once my point of view mattered to someone. I feel alone and unappreciated. I have told him a million ways how much I love him and how much I appreciate him and care for him and I get nothing. I make big deals out of birthdays and holidays and always make him feel special. I have never even gotten a card from him in four years. I feel like I am never going to be loved by him as much as I love him. It should be equal and fare but I guess in life you don't get fare. You have to make sacrifices and decisions weather or not you are okay with being loved less. I guess I hope one day he will know how much I do for him or I will just always be the girl who smiles but is secretly dying to be loved inside.

Summer Time

I detoxed and I have been working out. I am so sore. My legs hurt but I know that means that it is working. I had a great fourth of July with my mans family in the country of Norman. the houses out there were so beautiful and it was nice to be in the fresh country air. I felt free. I swam and went in the hot tube and had fun drinking any kind of drink I wanted. personnel bar. I don't even know what I was drinking I was just drinking it. it was the first time I got to drink in a long time. The kids had an amazing time playing and setting off fireworks which one popped in my face but I put some medicine on it and it seems to be fine. I am going to stretch and workout. I need to work on my tan. I am listening to music and dancing around like an idiot but sometimes being an idiot is freeing. And truth be told I am just being me and no one else. Have a great day.