Life's Never What it Seems

I wish I had a different life. All my life all I wanted is love. Love is supposed to make u a better you and bring out the good. I find myself depressed and sad in a loveless relationship waiting for him to want me the way I need him to want me. No kissing, no talking, no marriage, no I love yous after 4 years. But I keep waiting. I am un appreciated in all I do. He once told me that it was my job. Do u know how many women don't cook or clean or take care of kids. I do every thing and get nothing in return. I mean nothing. I buy everything and make half what he makes. I'm lucky he buys diapers. And all I want in return is to be married and have kids and be loved. I don't know how to get those things. Maybe I stay because I don't think I deserve it. I mean who else would put up with this. But I put on a smile and cry my eyes out at night. Sometimes I feel so alone I wait to die. But I have two boys who need me so I keep it together and do the best I can. Maybe one day I'll get love. I'll find someone who loves me for me. Who loves God and looks and the bright side and lives each day open and honest. Maybe just maybe I'll find that person.

So So with the Joy

I feel like things are happening but in a so so kind of way if that makes since. God keeps telling me that something big is coming my way and I should be patient and understanding but I'm nervous and inpatient. Which I should work on. I am watching these two girls for some extra cash starting Monday. I am really excited because its more income and who couldn't use more of that. I was the hostess of a Pure Romance girls night which was fun. Even thou I sell It Works our products are very different from Pure Romance and I support any mom trying to make a living. It was exciting. I talked to her about it works and she talked to me about Pure Romance. It was fun. My house is almost done decorating for the holidays and I am almost done Christmas shopping I just have to get the money for the food I am serving on Christmas dinner. I want to make something different I feel as thou I make the same things for Christmas that I do thanksgiving only I add a ham. I am so lost. I have been going on Pinterest to find ideas and the only ones I like is the dessert. I guess I could make every one pies and cakes and cookies for dinner. lol Well all and all its been great. I feel more in love with Neil then I ever have and I enjoy my sons company even thou the autism seems to be getting worse the older he gets. The more melt downs and stress but i am not giving up. I know I can do this and get him the help he needs if only I could afford to move to Edmond where they have wonderful schools and programs for kids like him and he could make friends. Here is to dreaming and making all my dreams come true.